


something this beautiful

by orphan_account



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Christianity, Depression, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, Love, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-01
Updated: 2016-05-01
Packaged: 2018-06-05 17:22:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 908
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6713965
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Dan has enough internalised homophobia to self implode and Phil is the only one who can help.</p>
            </blockquote>





	something this beautiful

Dan realises he isn’t normal at fourteen. He isn’t normal, because instead of liking Rachel (his fake crush for years now) all he wants is for the hot guy from the class above to notice him. Kyle never does, of course, but it’s enough to learn that what he wants and what the world has lined up for him may be parallel lines that will never meet. When he learns that parallel lines meet at infinity, he wants to burst out laughing in the middle of class because really, isn’t that the perfect analogy for his life?

 

He knows it’s wrong, because his family is Christian. He doesn’t even know any other religious people, there aren’t any nearby, but of course it had to be his family that was. They fucking say Grace at mealtimes, and if that doesn’t explain enough, nothing will. The internet tells him that not all Christians are homophobic, that the Bible doesn’t go so far, but all he knows is his mother hasn’t spoken to her sister for twelve years since she married a woman. Coming out doesn’t even appear on his radar.

 

So he lives his life like that. Pretending to be looking at the gorgeous girls in the porn magazines his friends insist on lending him (‘ _You need to get a life, mate!’_ ) instead of the beautiful boys that capture his entire attention, leaving him breathless.

 

He even dates a girl. Linda’s great really; she’s just too... female. They even have sex in a closet at a party he doesn’t want to be at. They break up soon after. (‘ _It’s not you, it’s me_ ) He doesn’t even feel bad about being the one dumped, he doesn’t care about much at that point. Existence seems mostly pointless, along with everything else in his life. That probably isn’t great news for the college he really should finish, when he thinks of it.

 

He remembers clearly the first time he stumbles on AmazingPhil. While he likes the content, it’s the face that draws him in, keeps him watching each video, stalking him online, desperate for some attention. When he gets noticed finally, there’s a sense of destiny that starts from the first message. The gripping thing about Phil is his _happiness_. Not that he doesn’t get sad or that nothing bad happens to him, but his happiness is a choice. He chooses to be okay, and it makes Dan want to latch onto him and take just a little bit of that happiness for himself. He’s way too jaded for his age, as everyone he knows seems to love pointing out. (‘ _Seriously Dan, we worry about you. Are you sure you’re not depressed?_ ’)

 

Phil comes out on their second Skype call. Coming out is a loose term for what happens, but it’s the only word Dan can think of to describe it. He casually mentions a male ex, and when he sees Dan’s look of surprise, he breezily says he’s bisexual. Dan doesn’t really know what to say, until Phil starts to worry and asks if he’s homophobic. His stumbling reply attempting to clarify that he isn’t but his family is works, if not without further questions. (‘ _Have you actually not met a gay person before?_ ’)

 

It takes Dan until their second meeting to come out to Phil. He’s so nervous he stumbles over the words, despite having practiced saying the words I’m Gay in the mirror a hundred times. It’s the first time he’s said it aloud. Phil couldn’t be happier though, seeming to know without being told how difficult it was for Dan to admit. He doesn’t say the words that Dan is secretly hoping to hear for the first time in his life though. He doesn’t say it’s okay to be gay, and that hurts Dan in a way he didn’t realise. (‘ _I’m so happy you trusted me enough to tell me this._ ’)

 

They’ve moved in together by the time they kiss. Phil makes the first move and it’s possibly the best few moments of Dan’s life. But then they break away and Dan feels disgusting, like he’s done something very, very wrong, so he runs away. Phil finds him vomiting into the sink and tries to apologise. Dan doesn’t say anything, so they leave it at that. ( _‘I guess you don’t like me that way, its okay_ ’)

 

Dan manages to talk about it a month later. Phil just wants to know if his school, his town was really so homophobic and the answer is no. He finds it difficult to explain, that he never heard anything bad about gay people, he heard nothing. That no one had ever told him it was okay, that all he knew was that it was bad and wrong from home and no one had contradicted it. Besides the Internet, and the internet didn’t feel like people. You could find people who thought incest, jihad and rape were okay on the internet, being gay could have just been on that list. He almost has a panic attack explaining, but Phil calms him down. (‘ _It’s okay to be gay. It is absolutely okay and most kind of awesome to be gay._ ’)

 

It’s the start of something incredible. They don’t come out, they can’t, because Dan still needs his family and maybe always will. He’s working towards it, and if sometimes he can’t help it, Phil is great at reminding him. ( _‘Nothing wrong could be this beautiful’)_

 

**Author's Note:**

> Not proofread so I hope you like it.


End file.
